You need to examine each of your graded major essays. In this discussion you should summarize my comments in at least a paragraph. You should also spend a paragraph explaining your own original ideas for revision of each essay.
Your response should be at least two paragraphs-- for each essay!
-Joshua Lucero
ReplyDeleteFor my narrative essay the comments I received on it were mostly small grammar changes. Such as "One of," being replaced with "a." Also a lot of wordiness was removed that didn't really add to the story and was essentially fluff. I also received comments like "good tension" and "good line." The last comment was wondering if I could have added more conflict which I most certainly could have.
My original idea was going to be a car ride through the mountains during a terrifying thunderstorm. But that changed when I needed a more exciting story so it changed to it being about me and my Friend mattew climbing the Manitou Springs Incline. The incline is literally an almost vertical climb so using that example and adding a bad storm would have added a stronger tension. So I chose that story. After that major revision in my idea I just revised the conflict and parts of the story as well as adding dialogue to try to show the emotion of fear.
Major essay #1:The Narrative
ReplyDeleteA large portion of the mistakes marked off by the proffesor was about the past tense and present tense verbs. I had made a flashback in the middle of the story and need to switch to past tense which I didn't stay in the entire flashback. Also, the professor stated I could add to the conflict in some sort of way.
I feel like I could add descriptions of the fluster my main character sustains during the encounter. I could also add to the irritation between the author and the cop/intrudor throughout the story with stronger dialogue.
Major Essay #2
Primarily, my professor commented on the grammatical errors throughout the essay. Errors like not having an is where it needs to be or having a the wrong word to explain something. Additionally, he wrote comments on why I left out certain details.
In order to make my paper better, I need to make my position in the essay more evident. Also, I could further explain the points of issues in each of the audiences.
Appeal Letter
DeleteA good portion of the issues brought up by the professor include making the amount of time taken from class time being the large focus of the appeal and to steer away form voluntary tests like the A.C.T..
I think I could appeal to the issue also affecting parents and the teachers who have to administer the tests. The issues affects not just the students and it takes from everyone's pockets.
-Joshua Lucero
ReplyDeleteIn my second essay the notes on it were helpful because it showed that some points in the essay were really confusing. It also showed me where to fix a couple mistakes.
In my original revisions I revised the entire logical appeal paragraphs. I also polished it up trying to fix some grammatical mistakes. I also moved around the comic to fit better into the essay.
My narrative essay contained multiple grammatical errors in which I could easily fix. In the middle of the essay, there's a huge paragraph that I need to break apart.
ReplyDeleteIn the context of eliminating wordiness, I need to eliminate the repetition of the setting. The idea of "showing vs. telling" can be implemented in the middle of my essay as well where the climax is present. In order to catch the readers attention in the first paragraph, I was thinking of putting the climax in my introduction and then going back to the beginning of my story.
Rhetorical Analysis: Address not only logical fallacies but logical appeals was well which can tie into emotion and ethos. Avoid contradictions and try to eliminate wordiness and repetition.
DeleteSemicolons, colons, and dashes should be used to make my a essay flow. I should focus on fleshing out my analysis such as tone and the main claim. Rearranging the structure of the essay is necessary because right now, my analysis is not connecting to each other.
In my proposal, I need to single space the address. Expanding on ideas is my number one priority for the reader doesn't know the problem. currently, I'm only stating the solution to the problem of not having a dress code. I also need to be specific about the uniforms.
DeleteI'll add a new paragraph expanding on how dress codes will decrease the bully rate. It's important to be specific on my topics so the reader knows what to do and how to address the problem. Eliminating wordiness will be beneficial for my proposal.
In both of my essays, I ramble and don't get to the point. I don't clearly state the claim or say what I want to say. I also made lot of grammar mistakes and used extended sentences that did not really make. In my narrative, I was unable to paint a descriptive picture and build the tension. I tried to "show" and not "tell" the story but I did not do it clearly or effectively.
ReplyDeleteIn my second essay--the rhetoric-- I made more silly mistakes and my sentence structures were confusing. I did not clearly state my claims and I made poor diction choices, therefore it did not make a strong argument.
Letter: In this essay like any other, I was not specific. I stated my conflict and how it can be solved, but I did not stated those solutions fast enough. Also, my essay was bit wordy; I tend to explain and repeat earlier stated statements and that contradicted my main focus of the essay. I also forgot to discuss if my suggestions will actually be effective or not. And did not mentioned any warrants to further persuade my audience.
DeleteNarrative: In my narrative what brought me down according to what I saw edited on my paper was I had few grammatical errors and was a bit too wordy. My paper also has underlined sentences which means they didn't make sense or were worded differently. At the end you said you wanted more character development.
ReplyDeleteWhat I noticed about my narrative that some things didn't really make sense. It had easy fix that if I had read it out loud I could have probably caught them and fixed them. I also noticed that some description is kind of weird, like it doesn't really fit in what I am talking about. I could of talked of how my character could of improved throughout the story other than making her look weak throughout the story.
Rhetoric:
The edits on my paper indicate that I needed more of a logical reason and I have to explain myself. I need more detail and I have useless wording that only take space. I missed to point out some things that the rhetoric pointed out.
I noticed the same things that you did. I missed some things that I could have pointed out. I had weak points were ruined the credibility of my paper.
What you pointed out the most was some of my repeating and to explain more. I did not have an audience to direct myself to. I need to find who direct myself to.
DeleteI saw that I need to explain more and go into detail of the things I talk about. I also have small grammatical errors. I also repeat my claim in the beginning too much.
Narrative:
ReplyDeleteThe comments left in the narrative essay emphasized grammatical errors such as dashes and apostrophes, especially when using them in dialog. As well the formatting of page numbers was highlighted to be the wrong type since it made a line all the way across my page. Not many negative comments were left for the content of the writing, such as if the scene kept moving and had enough description.
For my own revisions, I've noticed that the descriptive writing I use does not always flow easily. tone shifts are awkward in certain places and there may be too much "fluff," that makes for the scene to be overly dramatic. as well, I tend to use grammatical repetition patterns that cause over wordiness and unnecessary description. For the ending, I could also work on stimulating a better flow into the conclusion that avoids unnecessary dialog.
The Rhetorical:
For the revisions given, I need to address al grammatical errors and wordiness. There was a suggestion to add in guilt as pathos experienced by the audience and I think I could elaborate on that in the essay.
For my own revisions, I definitely need to focus on avoiding repetition of phrases and use of a sarcastic, aggressive tone. Since this is an analysis, I need to be unbiased in determining the rhetoric of this political cartoon.
The Proposal:
DeleteThe comments left in the proposal letters were questions about how to incorporate benefits for the audience into my writing. I think I could do that by going into further detail on how voters/civilians are constantly striving for decreased tobacco use especially in youth and how they could win Bennet support.
For my own revisions, I need to be careful about restating phrases and deleting unneeded sentences. The emotional appeal I have is actually fairly weak since I'm just assuming that my audience cares about the youth; I could possibly go into detail on how drastic tobacco use in adolescents is and paint a picture on the reality of how adolescents easily pick up the habit and do not put boundaries on when to quit.
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DeleteFor my proposal, I feel that the comments given to my proposal make up a lot for my lack of organization. For example, one of the comments points out where I change topics in one paragraph, losing the audiences attention and most likely confusing them. And so, I feel that my organization throughout my proposal made up for my grade which it should have, because my audience,Governor Hickenlooper, was most likely going to be confused.
DeleteAnd so, for my revision, I need to spend my time organizing my proposal in order to give my argument thoroughly and persuasively to my audience.
Rhetorical Image Essay
ReplyDeleteThe essay should include a unique title. It has to clearly state who the primary and secondary audiences are. The essay has to reduce the amount of repetitive statements. The ethos paragraph has to explain its inability to identify a strong ethos. The works cited page has to be on a separate sheet of paper.
I will re-organize the essay to avoid any confusions between logos, pathos, and ethos. I will also develop a strong conclusion. I will have three people proofread my essay for grammar errors, and fully developing ideas.
Creative Major Essay
Improve on grammar errors such as apostrophes, commas, etc. It should also fix all mistakes in that are in the quotations. It needs to phrase sentences better to create a clear image to the reader.
I will be working on adding more details, and adding more tension. I will also change some events in the story to make a strong plot. I will eliminate wordiness on a sentence. I'll also explain things such as atomic bombs, firebombing, and ammunition specialist.
Proposal
DeleteThe second paragraph needs to be phrased broadly. The third paragraph needs to be more specific and specify who the are the students that are affected by the free and reduced lunch program. The fourth paragraph needs to be more clear.
I will state who the specific students are by their incomes. I will also rephrase the fourth paragraph so it will be more clear to the reader.
ReplyDelete1.Throughout my rhetorical analysis, there were many mistakes I had made that shouldn't even be there. For example, proper nouns was an issue that went throughout my whole analysis and was the one of the reasons my overall grade was low. For some reason I kept capitalizing words that had no point of being capitalized since they were not a specific person place or thing. Also, another big point I missed was not being specific about who the audience was and my organization. The way I organized the rhetorical analysis also made it difficult for me to create new topics. For example, at some points I would refer to a topic and not give it back up information making it easier to understand in order to bring in other topics and make sense of them. In order to fix these problems, proper nouns is a mistake that shouldn't even be made because it is something that should be common sense. Also, I need to focus on being more organized and keep my points exact and thorough with examples to back up my topics.
For my narrative, It was the most successful paper I had written for this class. Mainly, I had errors that consisted of grammar, apostrophes and dashes. However, I also did struggle on being able to make sense of dialogue and made the topics confusing for the audience. And so, the easiest part to making my narrative improve is to fix the grammar problems, but focus the most on correcting the way I wrote the dialogue in order for the topics to make sense.
Narrative:
ReplyDeleteOn my narrative, there were not a lot of comments from you based on my writing, the comments that you left were about developing the conflict. I should have expanded on when my grandpa passed to make the conflict more significant. There were also some marks about my punctuation on a few of my quotes, as well as where I should have put some sentences/lines.
My comments would have been that I should have expanded on my conflict, made it more developed and expanded on it to make it more significant to the readers. It would have helped create an emotional connection between myself and the reader. I think I would have talked more about the end rather then what had happened before his passing, the end rather than the events leading up to it.
Rhetorical Analysis:
On my Rhetorical Analysis essay, you talked about a new reference of the bumper sticker, instead of just vaccines being the “drugs” but also Ritalin or Adderall being the “drugs” that parents over use or use at all. You also made sure to tell me that in my longest body paragraph, the logos paragraph, that it seemed that I only pointed out random facts of vaccinations, not any fallacies. That paragraph also seemed to be confusing and wordy at times, so I need to chop and replace words. I also need to use the vocabulary for pathos rather than my own vocabulary.
My comments would be that I need to expand on my bumper sticker claims. As well as make sure my logos is clearer and better organized. I need to cut down on my wordiness and use better vocabulary for my explanation of pathos/emotional appeal. I need to make sure to clearly explain the fallacies of the logos as well as clearly explaining my new claims and audiences.
Proposal Letter:
DeleteOn my proposal letter, you commented that the first paragraph could greatly be reduced and shortened to have more significance. Yo also commented that I used to much first person. Mainly, you said that I should more clearly establish my argument. I did not establish an actual proposal, I just talked about something that already existed, so I need to make my statements into a proposal for the reader to actually be able to obtain.
My own comments would be along the same lines. I need to condense my first paragraph and more clearly propose an actual argument, not just elaborate on an already existing point. I also need to use more formal language and make sure to clarify what point I am trying to make to Oliver Luck.
Narrative: In my narrative, you crossed out some words that I didn't need in the first paragraph to eliminate wordiness to make the description sound stronger. Also, you changed a word to match the tense of the rest of the essay so that it all flowed properly with the meaning. Overall, you commented on how I could have possibly foreshadowed the "presence" of the figure that was in my story.
ReplyDeleteI can go back towards the beginning of my essay and see if I can add any additional details leading up to the presence of the figure to hint at the idea of what's to come.
Rhetorical Analysis:
For my Rhetorical Analysis, you gave me some comments about avoiding first person when I'm explaining an argument so that it strengthens my ethos. There were also some crossed out points of punctuation that were used incorrectly, as well as scratched out words to eliminate extra words. In the paragraph for the explanation about pathos, you said to explain all of the emotions that I said the rhetoric would evoke, and to re-organize the section. You also underlined "switching to natural products" because I needed to explain if it was a main claim for my argument or not. The logical weaknesses section containing the fallacies was the part where you also pointed out that I could've added another fallacy to point out the rhetoric's weakness.
I will review how to use the points of punctuation correctly, as well as work on eliminating wordiness. The next thing that I can do to improve this essay is to restructure the way it was written originally to make sure the paragraphs are organized how they should be. I can also explain the types of emotions that the rhetoric would evoke in a clearer way, and relate how adding in the non sequitor fallacy contributes to the rhetoric's overall weakness of the argument.
Proposal:
DeleteSome of the comments that you made on my proposal were suggestions about just focusing on one of the suggestions that I made in the fifth paragraph instead over overwhelming the audience with too many suggestions at once. Another thing that you said to do was to try and show how the audience would benefit from this change, and to keep pushing that one solution that we want to see change regarding the issue.
My ideas:
I could pick the most important suggestion to talk about and keep bringing it up throughout the essay to really get my point across about what I want to see happen. I could also play more on my ethos of using credible sources to make my argument even stronger.
Rhetorical Analysis:
ReplyDeleteThe title of the paper was commented with needing a unique title because of the boring title. The big comment on the first page of creating simple sentence structure because if the massive amount of information it contains. There are question marks on pages 2 and 3 because of the unspecific or unclear wording of the subject. The paper also has many grammatical mistakes and misspelling that took away form the ethos of the paper.
I will come up with an interesting title to hook readers in and give a short summery of what the paper is about. I have also worked on making the background knowledge paragraph an easier pill of information to swallow for the readers. The question marks on the paper are for where I did not do a good enough job ether explaining or specifying ideas. The grammatical mistakes and spelling mistakes take away form my ethos when critically analyzing the claim of the rhetoric.
Narrative:
There are many crossed out words that are there to eliminate extra unneeded words in the sentence. There are also many crossed or added points of punctuation that were need or were misused. There are also question marks in quite a few places because of confusing descriptions or places that were lacking in detail.
I will mind the need details verses the unneeded details when writing and have peers edit for extra words. I will review points of punctuation to ensure I properly use the punctuation and to expand the use sage of the punctuation. I will also work on completing my ideas and descriptions well keeping in mind I have sentences that make sense.
Major Essay #1
ReplyDeleteIn Major essay #1, the main issues were with wordiness and lack of details. I used words that were not needed and distracted the reader from the sentences main purpose. I also stated emotions and actions of the character but did not go into depth. I didn't set a clearer setting for the reader to envision. I didn't provide reasons or causes of emotions of actions.
To revise this essay, I will add more detail and go more into depth on the character's internal emotions. I will also go and add details to the flashback and provide a better setting. I will let the reader know when and where everything is occurring. I will also cut out words and sentences that just add to the word count but don't mean anything.
Major Essay #2
In Major Essay #2, the main issues were wordiness and the Logos paragraphs. I didn't put my ideas into words clear enough. My sentences did not run smoothly. My Logos was not very accurate to the piece of rhetoric and the fallacies were not addressed to the best of their potential. My overall Logos paragraphs were weak and didn't strengthen my analysis. My audience was also not correctly stated.
I will revise this essay by rereading and chopping up sentences that are not potent enough. I will add stronger analysis and more detail. I will address the audience of the piece of rhetoric more precisely. I will also describe the fallacies better.
Major Essay #3:
DeleteIn Major Essay #3, there were plenty of mistakes. The audience and the claim were both incorrect and needed to be fixed. The claim was not workable and the audience was not correct. The audience did not have the power to fix the proposal. I had grammatical mistakes as well. The main parts of the essay need to be revised.
To revise this essay, I am going to find a new audience and a new claim. I am going to focus on a specific chain and ask that the workers clean the tables. I need to write to an audience that has this power and can execute my proposal. I will read and make sure that my letter isn't wordy and doesn't have grammatical errors.
Major Essay 1:
ReplyDeleteIn the first major essay I seemed to lack some points in description. I used some telling language in points it was critical to show the scene. I did this multiple times. I think there were also some points where I could have described emotion further than I did.
To revise this essay, I will add more detail to show the setting. Other things that I could improve would be showing emotion at appropriate times. Other small things I could do is to improve grammar and punctuation such as using more semicolons, dashes, hyphens, and simplifying some sentences.
ME 2:
I tend to put stuff in the weirdest and non-appropriate places. I will need to fix this. I also used punctuation wrong in several places. I also failed to mention explicitly who my audiences were. I also failed to spell out the name of the organization. In addition, I waited way too long to clarify things; this goes along with the lack of organization. I also didn't really do well explaining the fallacies in the argument-- so I need to elaborate on this as well.
I will fix these issues by going through and heavily editing punctuation after fixing my organization. After this point, I will elaborate further on my ideas. Finally I will go through and simplify sentences that I can now see are wordy and completely un-necessary.
ME 3:
DeleteI often avoided getting too into detail of the issues that were serious and focused far too much on the smaller issues. I also had lack of correct terminology and increased wordiness. I added plenty of not needed words and occasionally was too repetitive.
To revise these issues I will make sure my writing is not wordy and focus mainly on the precise point. I also lacked to mention the fallacies involved. I also intend to eliminate the figures of speech that I used.
Mayor Essay 1:
ReplyDeleteI really lacked on the view of the canyon, but really focused on my experience. I was to in the moment of the essay instead of showing the audience the view that made me change my prospective. I was very broad instead of specific.
To revise this essay, I want to explain the view and use some kind of word that defines me. I want to use the word in my title and in my conclusion to being the whole story together.
Major essay 2:
to start off I wasn't that passionate about this bumper sticker so I didn't have that many ideas. I feel like I over repeated myself to the point were my audience noticed that I didn't have much to say. I also did expand on my logic with one of my implied claims.
To fix this essay I would either need to trash it and start off with something I'm passionate about or edit my claims and look for a stronger one. I'm in the middle of what to do. Maybe I could expand more of how the high and low class can affect the future of economics.
Mayor Essay 3:
DeleteI was passionate about the topic so I had so much to say. I am very proud of this essay because I was able to express my thoughts in a clear manner. I think one thing I could do better is not assuming and having more actual facts.
Looking at the edits, I believe I could make more solutions in one paragraph and show success for the suture. I remember struggling to make up benefits for the Director and understanding who the Director really is. I also could have used higher vocabulary to increase my ethos.
Narrative:
ReplyDeleteI still had trouble with inserting punctuation after the quotation. I want to expand my essay and give it depth, it wasn't surface level, however, it lacked a certain omph. I don't think I reached that level of urgency that I was initially aiming for.
I had a lot of fluff words which I want to avoid when revising this essay. Overall, more dialogue was needed to develop my characters and setting.
When revising my essay I want to paint a picture and make the imagery as vivid as possible. i want the audience to feel my emotions.
Rhetorical Analysis:
I need a better title. The one I had was just the title of my piece of rhetoric. I had too many contractions, and was too broad when developing my claim. I want to avoid figures of speech.
When revising my essay I want to develop more emotional appeal and really reel my audience in. I think I failed to do that although my piece was powerful.
Proposal:
DeleteIn the proposal I didn't sufficiently state how to generate enough fund to install more street lamps. I wrote it to John Hickenlooper when I should have narrowed it down to the mayor of either Lakewood or Green Mountain.
When revising this essay I want to expand and go more in-depth. I want to tell a anecdote that appeals to pathos. I want to provide statistics on how helpful more street lamps are and how they prevent accidents. I had a lot of symbolic sentences that I should have described or cut out completely because they have no place in a business letter.
-Joshua Lucero
ReplyDeleteIn my third major essay there were a lot of major errors in my letter. Most of the corrections made were eliminating wordiness. There were two points of confusion in the essay that the reviser helped me correct. Overall, the comments were useful.
My original ideas consisted of the reasons the facility is bad and how its bad reputation could affect the owners company. I did not make a strong argument on how it ties in to his company but that is what I will work on.
Proposal:
ReplyDeleteIn my proposal I have noticed is that there are quite a few question makes where there are unclear or incomplete ideas. There are also so many crossed out words because of wordy sentences or unneeded punctuation in places. There are also added punctuation to improve the argument.
When i am revising the letter ill be paying attention on where punctuation is need to improve sentence flow. I will also pay attention on the ideas I use in the sentences for coherence.